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note to someone.

Who I am. Well, in case you wonder, I’m a mostly nice and kind, also silly and naive, trustworthy, maybe too dreamy, a crap of a human being that’s blindly searching for some piece of happiness. I like to think back at the time when I was a kid and knew no worries and disappointments, but these memories are now just a reminder for the days that suck the happiness out of me. I know I’m being sometimes too emotional, too sentimental, but then I think of myself not being all that and I would probably hate myself if I would stop these feelings from coming. I am who I am for what I can give to people, for how I make them feel and that’s probably the reason why each person that comes into my life means so much to me. Just cause I have feelings, doesn’t make a weak person, in fact, I’m thankful for this cause, there are feelings like really great feelings that just warm up my soul.

Sadly, I’m not really capable of showing people the person I really am, cause sometimes my behavior is kind of misleading. Before starting to write this I had so many thoughts and I knew exactly what I wanted to put on paper, but now, I doubt the purpose of it. I am afraid. I always am. Sometimes I catch myself to the thought that there’s nothing to be afraid of, but I still am. Don’t even know why I write this anymore, I just feel like I have to say it. Never meant to hurt anyone on purpose, always tried to fit someone else’s needs rather than mines. That was my biggest mistake. I get too attached to people, I let them too deep in my soul and mind, I fall in love and then realize that it was totally not the case. I know I’m not going to be here for a long time and I might not feel what I feel now, but what I felt was amazing and the memories don’t go away that easy. I guess it helps to write down what’s in your head just to confirm to yourself how stupid you can be to write about your feelings at 3 a.m., what a dumbass, but I don’t want to keep them inside anymore. Just wanted to clarify that I am a human being with a heart that beats 24/7, about 60 beats a minute, it gets up to 90 beats a minute when I’m nervous. The most funny and sad at the same time thing is that I clearly understand that you don’t give a fu*k about all of this shit, but I still continue writing. Silly, right? So yeah, that’s a part of me. Nice to meet you. (shaking hands)

P.S.Just know, that if you don’t care, don’t make people think otherwise, don’t make them feel special.

 

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who we are

large  Life is given to discover and enjoy every single moment of it, either the good or bad and as Stephen Hawking once said: life is a hope. What we aim to do is take it all, go through its challenges and parties, so that at the last moment we could say relieved that our life was spent with major purpose and we’ve lived happily.

Over a lifetime people get to understand most of the things that are supposed to be the reason of our existence. However, due to many other factors that come unpredictably, life gives us questions we cannot find answers to. Every single day we search for a clue, for an explanation to some of the things that have no logical reason for happening. “This time,(we think) all should go right” and when you’re just a step close to the finish line, you start to drown. We can spend years living and loving a person we barely know and we may convince ourselves that this person is the right one, even when it’s not, but we still love and we keep staying there like we’re tied, although we are free. We can dream of another life or hope for a change, but what we do today makes no difference from what we’ve done yesterday, so we remain with what we have, because deep inside our souls it’s cozy calmly life of ours. We can put problems aside, leave a thought for another time or run away from reality.  All together, they make a mess growing bigger and bigger like a tumor in our souls, it eats us alive, but we can’t see it. I was told once that everything has a reasonable explanation, that every person has someone to love and in the end everyone will find their place in the world.

Thinking about all I’ve written above, I can say only a few things:  I do believe in everyone and everything having its place. I do think that there’s a strong, momentary unknown connection between two people and no matter what happens and these two will always find a way back to each other, just like a boomerang finds its way back. I still tend to form my own theories about what happens around me, also including myself. It’s unbelievably hard to understand yourself and what you truly feel, especially when we have about 70,000 thoughts per day. Due to that, we might find it easier to establish a few hypotheses that could help us find a short way out from our everyday-life-labyrinth. Speaking about the life itself and the reason why we’ve been marked by all of the event that happened in the past few centuries, I can suppose that all this time we are constantly searching for something. The wealth, fame and success can be named as intermediaries, not as the aim itself. Fights, suffering and lost hopes are the result of a strong desire of finding the meaning of life, the will of answering questions for which has not been found the answer yet: How did life appear on earth and which is our purpose in its evolution? People want much more than full wallets and fancy living. Deep inside of even the darkest person there’s an issue that can be removed. Using the power of thinking and analyzing, despite every barrier, we are strong enough to handle challenges and accomplish whatever mission was meant for us, whatever dream we had or goal we’ve set.

It’s not about discovering the beginning of all, it’s about finding a way to ensure a future for the next generations, so that our 21 century was someday one of the many that have passed gracefully and memorably.

Autumn tale

Autumn tale

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I can’t make you love me

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… I got a plan in the palm of my hand to get me rolling…

I know we can simply run for hours one after each other, I can take off my t-shirt, my shorts, but still I can’t make you love me. Either I’ll dye my hair  blonde or I’ll be dark-haired, you won’t pay attention to me. I’ll keep walking sexy, acting like a lady, wearing short skirts, smiling all the time, being kind, polite, but what the hell ? I’ll never make you love me! So I’ll just keep singing lalalala , wearing jeans and sneakers, with my half dark-half blonde hair, with the headphones in my ears listening to this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRnbfqx1ZWo.

My sweet advise for you girls, never try to do the impossible, to force someone to love you. We are who we are, funny, sexy, smart, skinny, clumsy, crazy.. so let it be!

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Inevitable

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How can you wake up in the morning and not think about someone you love, walk on the street and not notice the sun shinig bright, people walking in a hurry, but still with a smile on their faces, boys with roses and presents in their hands? Ohh,well, you can`t, cause today is Valentine`s Day!!!

Today is a special day for every loving heart and it`s nothing more pleasurable than a few sweet words and maybe a cute present, but I think we can show how much we love someone without any material goods, just true feelings and love. I don’t want to talk about love, cause I’m sure we all know how is it beautiful, extraordinary and unique in its own way, for each person is different, it’s unpredictable, but that’s  more interesting, because you might fall in love in the less expected moment. The most important thing is that no matter what happens, how far we are from each other and how much we miss those people that make us happy, it’s necessary to share some love, to make other people happy even if we’re not, to smile and to think positively, even if we’re pessimistic till the bones. I have no one whom to dedicate my heart, no matter how much I want it and there are plenty of people who’re in the same situation, but, as I said, today is a special day and love is the only thing that will unite  all people on this earth who loved, love and will keep loving everything and everybody. So, my advice is to leave the sadness apart and to spread love in the hearts of everyone.

 

 

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